Monday, February 2, 2015

Honesty

It is 4:36pm and I am drinking red wine while watching my son try to craw (he's failing, though he is massive so its quite a task at 5 months old). My 4 year old daughter is napping, much needed as she spent the morning playing at the roller skating rink when I got home from my long run. It's Saturday, we are alone. My husband is in New York City but will return soon. My mother-in-law was here for a few days, but left this morning. I'm doing my best right now.

I ran 16 miles this morning, about 11 at or under 6:35, which just so happens to be the pace I ran for a half-marathon 7 days ago. However, last Saturday I was dying, and nearly pulled of course because I doubted I could finish the race. Today, I talked the entire way and was barely labored.

I'm exhausted. I made a cup of coffee about 2 hours ago because I felt like I could fall asleep at my computer. Thirty minutes ago I submitted a grant report that was due today by 5:00p.m. (yes, on a Saturday). I made the deadline by 54 minutes. I feel like any moment I could just lay my head back and fall asleep for days. I think about sleep a lot. I day dream about sleeping.

Six weeks ago I almost quit running. Not quit like stop completely, quit like stop chasing goals, just running for the pure enjoyment of it. I was going to put a limit on the number of miles I would run a week, I was going to allow myself to miss a full day of running out of seven, I was going to stop counting mileage. All these things, I was like, ok.

I had surgery in December. It changed things. I don't like talking about it or thinking about it, but there was a high possibility that the surgery saved my life. However I prepared for best case scenario A....and I ended up for best case scenario B. I didn't emotionally prepare for best case scenario B. I'm stilling dealing with that.

I thought the surgery would change me and my running, but it didn't (at least not as of yet). And, when nothing changed I realized I am not done with dreams and goals (yet). Balancing kids, husband, work, and running is not hard, its just a little bit challenging. I can still do it all, I'm just going to have to be a bit more creative.

I've found a way to run more. I get up early (4:10am) and run. I go out on my lunch break and run again. When my lunch run is short I do circuit and strength. I eat like a horse too because I'm still breastfeeding and continuously raising my mileage. The baby weight doesn't exist anymore.

And so here I am, finding my grove, getting fitter everyday. From week to week my workouts change drastically, I am finding a way to fit it all in. Time for kids, time for husband, time for work, time to run. My life is full. It is overflowing.

I'm not done yet.