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Honesty

It is 4:36pm and I am drinking red wine while watching my son try to craw (he's failing, though he is massive so its quite a task at 5 months old). My 4 year old daughter is napping, much needed as she spent the morning playing at the roller skating rink when I got home from my long run. It's Saturday, we are alone. My husband is in New York City but will return soon. My mother-in-law was here for a few days, but left this morning. I'm doing my best right now.

I ran 16 miles this morning, about 11 at or under 6:35, which just so happens to be the pace I ran for a half-marathon 7 days ago. However, last Saturday I was dying, and nearly pulled of course because I doubted I could finish the race. Today, I talked the entire way and was barely labored.

I'm exhausted. I made a cup of coffee about 2 hours ago because I felt like I could fall asleep at my computer. Thirty minutes ago I submitted a grant report that was due today by 5:00p.m. (yes, on a Saturday). I made the deadline by 54 minutes. I feel like any moment I could just lay my head back and fall asleep for days. I think about sleep a lot. I day dream about sleeping.

Six weeks ago I almost quit running. Not quit like stop completely, quit like stop chasing goals, just running for the pure enjoyment of it. I was going to put a limit on the number of miles I would run a week, I was going to allow myself to miss a full day of running out of seven, I was going to stop counting mileage. All these things, I was like, ok.

I had surgery in December. It changed things. I don't like talking about it or thinking about it, but there was a high possibility that the surgery saved my life. However I prepared for best case scenario A....and I ended up for best case scenario B. I didn't emotionally prepare for best case scenario B. I'm stilling dealing with that.

I thought the surgery would change me and my running, but it didn't (at least not as of yet). And, when nothing changed I realized I am not done with dreams and goals (yet). Balancing kids, husband, work, and running is not hard, its just a little bit challenging. I can still do it all, I'm just going to have to be a bit more creative.

I've found a way to run more. I get up early (4:10am) and run. I go out on my lunch break and run again. When my lunch run is short I do circuit and strength. I eat like a horse too because I'm still breastfeeding and continuously raising my mileage. The baby weight doesn't exist anymore.

And so here I am, finding my grove, getting fitter everyday. From week to week my workouts change drastically, I am finding a way to fit it all in. Time for kids, time for husband, time for work, time to run. My life is full. It is overflowing.

I'm not done yet.

Comments

Gracie said…
I'm glad to hear it. You have way too much talent to hang it up, and I fully believe you can continue to successfully balance your busy life with competitive racing.
L.A. Runner said…
Thankful for your honestly and your outlook. I've avoiding blogging the past few weeks. I feel… wasted. And I don't mean college-drunk off terrible beer. I mean tired.tired.exhausted.rundown. struggling with the amount of work it's taking to get "back." I feel how you described, but yet I push on…

Hugs, girl. You're not alone, and neither of us are done.
Caitlyn Clark said…
I hope I can be like you.....
Lindsay said…
I'm training for my first half marathon right now, and am enjoying it so much I'm considering doing a full marathon. But like you, I'm a busy mom to a toddler and a baby and I have my doubts over whether I can fit it all in. I was searching for marathon "mom runners" online and found this post, so thank you for writing it. It's given me hope that I can achieve a full marathon despite being exhausted most days!
mfranks said…
@Lindsay you can do it. If it makes you happy, its better for everyone. If I couldn't run I would be miserable, and that would not be good for my children or my husband. You can do it all! Good luck.

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